In church I found community. My mom wasn't religious in the slightest, but a bus came and picked me up a few times a week for a few hours each time, so it seemed like free childcare. For a few years I went by myself, then my mom started sending my brothers with me. We lived in a small town, so everyone knew if we would be at my mom's, my grandma's, or my cousin's when it was time for church. I would go twice on Sundays and on Wednesday evenings. When I was older (middle school aged), I started going on Saturdays to recruit kids I knew from school, and during lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays we had a teacher who would let us use her classroom for bible study. It was a life group of sorts, only students. We talked about what we learned at our different churches and how we applied to our lives. I loved the church and everything it taught. It was a small town Baptist full of 90 year olds who loved God and teaching children about God. I felt safe there. I knew I was going to heaven because I always follow rules. I don't like breaking rules, and I don't like people who break rules. I prayed and loved and worshiped the best I could because after this life, I would be in heaven. I believed it.
I have so many memories in this church that no one else was there for. I accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, I was baptized in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I lead others to the alter to pray for them and introduce them to a loving church family. I went to all the events they had and made sure to learn as much as I could. Asking all the questions, taking notes, marking pages in my bible. My second grade teacher was also my Sunday school teacher, and we had a very special relationship. She once told me she hoped that her future daughter was just like me. She loved me, and I felt her love.
When I moved to a bigger city in middle school, I asked my new friends where they went to church. I was not prepared for it. They all went to this huge mega church not far from my house, but only on Wednesday nights. It looked very intimidating, but I eventually went with a couple friends. I had never seen anything like this before. They had indoor concession, pool tables, video games, coffee, a photobooth, and several couches and tables to hang out and talk at. In the "sanctuary" (as I called it in my small-town Baptist church), they had probably 800-1000 chairs facing a stage. The music they played was contemporary, upbeat, fun. Fog machines and stage lights like at a concert. Kids were raising their hand and crying out the lyrics to these songs I've never heard of, and when I joined in, I felt like I was singing right into God's face. I belonged here. I was closer to God than ever before, and I felt seen by God. I signed up to volunteer that night, and I was there every Wednesday to be a youth advocate and occasionally on the weekends in the nursery. I would talk to every kid who came in, I would show newbies around, introduce them to people, I lead prayer and helped kids find their voices in the church. I loved it. I did that proudly for 4 years.
I went to camps, retreats, life groups, anything I was invited to. I made so many friends and brought so many others to the congregation. I brought my boyfriend when I was in high school, and he took total advantage of the excitement and hype. We prayed together and sat together during service. After church we talked about the lessons, we studied and sited on the subjects of the night. I was all in to learn and live my religion everyday.
But when my family moved across town, it was harder to make it to church. I didn't have my own car, and I didn't go to the same school as my friends who attended. I missed a lot of Wednesday worship, but I still wanted to live life as a Christian. I still went to the life groups and camps as much as I could, but it wasn't the center of my life anymore. I would try to get people from my new school to go, but I didn't really know anyone outside my boyfriend and his friends. They did go with me for a while, but they were all in their senior year of high school, and the part of the church I was involved in was only for students. After my boyfriend graduated, he was able to take me more. So we went together again, but now he was officially a volunteer. He had to join as a member of the church, and he would have more responsibility than I ever did since I was still a student.
When I was 17, my mom made it very apparent that I was "no longer legally [her] problem." I moved into my cousin's house with her parents, and they made sure I got to church. I only lived with them for a few months before I got restless and moved in with my boyfriend. That was a mistake. I got pregnant. (This is a very traumatic story that I will hopefully have enough courage to share with the world one day) When the church noticed I was pregnant, they asked me to step down as youth advocate because I was now a bad influence to my peers. I was devastated. I knew I wasn't perfect, but I was still a dedicated member of the church. I was reliable, honest, and kind. I was knowledgeable and passionate about Christ and the Bible and our church. But I was a stain on their reputation, and they wanted me out. Of course, I was welcome at the regular services they hold for adults, but I was not able to participate in youth activities anymore. I just couldn't bring myself to face them again. I couldn't show my face to anyone there after that, so I never went back.
No one from the church ever reached out to me. Was I really such a disappointment that it was so easy for them to let me go? Am I expected to apologize to someone for my life decisions? I felt like this was the point in my life I could have used church the most, and they pushed me away. I was taught my whole life that the church refuses NO ONE. This couldn't be right. How could they see me like this? I was betrayed by the one group that was suppose to be a safe place for all. I continued to love God and worship in my own way. I would teach others as much as I could fit it into everyday life. I taught my son about God's love, and we prayed before meals and at bedtime. I tried to find different churches, but none of them felt right. They all had an atmosphere that was nice, sure, but slightly judgmental and condescending. I never could get comfortable in another church.
In my mental health decline, I started researching self soothing methods and ways of feeling more grounded. This is when I discovered spirituality. I always thought it was the same as religion. Religion is organized beliefs and rituals in a community focused on an external power, and spirituality is an internal relationship with less constrains on specific beliefs. From there I learned that I was using my religion and church to find where I belonged. The truth is, I belong wherever I am. So I made a change in my life. I stopped trying to live restrained by rules and beliefs that the church taught me (they weren't implementing them in their own lives anyway). I stopped judging people for not making an effort to be closer to God, I stopped trying to force Christianity on my kids. I embraced differences in beliefs by researching other religions, noting pieces I really loved, and curated my own list of values that I live by everyday. These are all values I've already had, but now I don't have to pretend it's because I'm a Christian. I am genuinely a decent person, and that's enough for me.
Honesty is at the top of my list because it's the most important part of life. I have been lied to more than I'm aware of, and it always hurts when I learn the truth. I don't tolerate liars anymore. I believe in lifting others up because we are all part of the same universe; helping people is helping the world. Every person is equal in my eyes, and bigots break my heart. I can't understand how someone can be prejudice on this earth. I believe in service for others. Everyone deserves to feel accepted and validated. I believe in presenting yourself with integrity and being firm in your identity. Being who you want to be, unapologetically. Not everyone will love you, but those who do will do so because you are incredible. I fully believe in karma, and she's a bitch, so I try not to put any negativity into the universe. I live my life the way that makes me feel good, makes me happy, and brings joy to others.
I lost my community with the church, but it's okay because it limited my potential. Now I can breathe and not worry if I'm doing something wrong or disappointing someone. I can openly be myself and not feel ashamed around my chosen family. The church taught me many valuable lessons and morals, but most of the members of the same church allowed their morals to lapse to make themselves feel higher or better than me. I am not like them. I will take what I learned and apply it to being a good person. With love, acceptance, and a non-judgmental stance to everyone I meet. It doesn't matter who you are or where you came from or what you're going through. It's not my place to judge, and I want to help if you need it. You are just as important as me, and we are all part of the same universe. Even Jesus said the second greatest commandment (the first being to love God with all your being) is to love thy neighbor.
Be yourself, find your community. You should feel good around the people who are in your life. I urge you to make a list of what's important to you, and make sure you implement it into your life. And after you do that, it will be easier to hold the people around you to the same standards. If they don't have the same values as you, it's okay to remove yourself from their judgment. Holding others accountable is important because if you allow them to act in a way that you don't agree with, it creates a tolerance that will inevitably lead to resentment or a hypocritical shift in your own values. You should embrace your values, and make them known! Being a part of a certain religion doesn't make you a good person. Implementing good morals and values can help, but being kind and understanding is so much more powerful than following a set of rules someone else made up.